Perfect Strangers 2010, Balki And The New America

Posted on April 16th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

Imagine if Balki arrived in America today, instead of 1986. As you may recall, Balki was an immigrant from a fictional Mediterranean island named Mypos. After finding out that it takes years to get into this country legally, Balki decides to sneak over the border from Mexico.

Balki wants to meet up with his cousin Larry in Chicago. Inspired by Speaker Pelosi’s ObamaCare statement that people could quit their jobs that provide them health insurance to become a painter-or any other job that allows one to smoke pot all day-Larry became a photographer.

Balki is thrilled to meet up with his cousin in Chicago. But on the way to a poetry slam at a coffeehouse, Balki sprained his ankle. Luckily, he went to an emergency room at the local hospital and got it taken care of-free of charge! Way to go Balki!

Balki is a shepherd by trade, and shepherd jobs are hard to come by. No worries for Balkie though, ACORN just hired him to register voters in Chicago. This week alone he got 6000 people to register as democrats-many of these new voters are currently alive and a majority of them are NOT house pets.

Larry doesn’t have health insurance yet, but he did score some medical marijuana. With Balkie signing up dead people to vote-and Larry developing black and white photos he took of a model peeing on a crucifix, they are both living the American dream.

Sha Laa La Laa…

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Snarky 6- Six Explanations For Fireball In The Midwestern Sky Last Night

Posted on April 15th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

A massive fireball was spotted across several states in the Midwest Wednesday night.

From CNN:

(CNN) — Authorities in several Midwestern states were flooded Wednesday night with reports of a gigantic fireball lighting up the sky, the National Weather Service said.

The fireball was visible for about 15 minutes beginning about 10 p.m., said the National Weather Service in Sullivan, Wisconsin, just west of Milwaukee.

“The fireball was seen over the northern sky, moving from west to east,” said the NWS in the Quad Cities area, which includes parts of Iowa and Illinois.

“Well before it reached the horizon, it broke up into smaller pieces and was lost from sight,” the service said. “Several reports of a prolonged sonic boom were received from areas north of Highway 20, along with shaking of homes, trees and various other objects including wind chimes,” it said.

 

There are several possible explanations for this fireball: I have come up with six.

1) The fire was the end result of an Oprah chili burp.

2) It was Paula Abdul’s career, never to be seen again.

3) The fireball was brought on by the awesomeness of KFC’s new Double Down sandwich.

4) The light in the sky was actually just Billy Mays trying to communicate with us.

5) Rahm Emanuel’s swear jar exploded.

6) Nancy Pelosi’s Aqua Net soaked hair got too close to President Obama’s cigarette…

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Snark Factor Morning Update 3-22, Now What???

Posted on March 22nd, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

They did it, now what???

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Flashback Friday! 25 Things About Me- Nancy Pelosi

Posted on March 12th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

(From time to time I like to go back into the archive and revisit an old post from back in the day. This one is about my pal, Nancy Pelosi.)

Fingersmalloy.com is a hard hitting, fact finding, truth spilling machine. It is not some kind of gossip rag like Us Weekly or the New York Times. For example, we passed on the New York Times story that reported Governor Palin’s son Trigg is actually a robot created by Exxon Mobil.

However, sometimes we like to take a day to get away from politics as usual. As many of you who have a Facebook or MySpace account know, 25 Random Things About Me is sweeping the world. Actually it can get to be pretty annoying. Every day, millions of people are tagged to look at meaningless facts about their friends and neighbors.

Today we were given a 25 Random Things About Me authored by the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. The person who gave us this letter wanted to remain anonymous. From now on, he or she will be referred to as Deep Throat 2, the Wrath of Kahn. We will post it below, and hope that you learn something about our Madam Speaker.

25 Random Things About Me – Nancy Pelosi

1. I am Speaker of the House.
2. I once asked George W. Bush “boxers or briefs?”
3. I count Harry Reids when I can’t sleep at night.
4. I think abortion should be legal up to the 53rd trimester.
5. I shot a man in the Reno, just to watch him die.
6. I get 500 million and 500 thousand mixed up.
7. I spend 500 million like it’s 500 thousand.
8. I love Aquanet! (Editor’s note, this was reported earlier in a Fingersmalloy.com exclusive).
9. My favorite band is Dexy’s Midnight Runner.
10. I’m watching you.
11. Yes you.
12. For years I thought Majority Whip was a dessert topping.
13. Barack Obama is my new BFF and he is like, TOTALLY a cutie.
14. I put orange marmalade on everything.
15. I brake for bingo.
16. I once played 7 minutes in heaven with Ted Kennedy.
17. I once vomited after 7 minutes in heaven with Ted Kennedy.
18. OMG! Bill Clinton just walked into my office and offered to show me his stimulus package.
19. I live in San Francisco; there is nothing funny about that.
20. I own a time share in Florida with Rush Limbaugh (shh, don’t tell anyone.)
21. I own a Hummer H3, but to make up for it I hug a tree daily.
22. For six years I had a secret crush on Dick Cheney.
23. I have 1 tattoo. It is a tramp stamp of Tip O’Neill’s face.
24. I call my husband Stedman just to piss him off.
25. I get all of my news from Fingersmalloy.com

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Snarky 6- Six Ways Pelosi Can Get ObamaCare Passed

Posted on March 11th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

It’s now clear that the Democrats need my help. I could have had this bill passed last year. So even though I am not a socialist, here is my advice to Speaker Pelosi that if listened to, will sway enough Democrats to vote yes for this giant crap sandwich to get it passed.

Madam Speaker, listen to me and your health care dreams will come true.

* Note, keep in mind these ideas will only work because House members never read legislation that comes up for a vote.

6 possible ways to get ObamaCare passed.

1. Tell House Democrats that they are really voting on a bill to send Rush Limbaugh to Guantanamo Bay.

2. Rename the health care bill; “The Give Representatives Pay Raises and Hookers Act of 2010.”

3. Make them believe that a yes vote will include a “Massa massage” from Rep. Eric Massa.

4. A yes voter receives a party invitation with an open bar on a flight chartered by the Speaker of the House (thanks to the U.S. military.)

5. If you vote no, Chuck Norris will not be happy.

6. A yes voter will also receive an autographed Hillary Clinton pants suit.

Speaker Pelosi, you can thank me later…

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