Snarky 6- The Six Things Obama Promised Kucinich If He Votes Yes On ObamaCare

Posted on March 18th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

As has been widely reported, Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D) Ohio switched his vote on ObamaCare after President Obama wined and dined him on an Air Force One flight to Cleveland. (For video of the evening’s events, just rent Pretty Woman)

So, The Snark Factor has learned the six things President Obama offered Kucinich to switch his vote. Warning, you will be shocked by the corruption.

1. Pledged that the Oompa Loompa Song from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory will no longer be played before Kucinich makes remarks on the House floor.

2. Offered him a one year supply of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

3. Gave him an autographed picture of the cast from Saved By The Bell.

4. Put Jack Nicholson on speakerphone and had him say: “You can’t handle the truth” until Dennis started to giggle.

5. Pledged to keep abortion legal and funded by Obamacare through the 12th trimester.

6. After 3 hours, President Obama finally agreed to Kucinich’s request to “pull my finger.”

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Snarky 6- The Six Most Intrusive Census Survey Questions

Posted on March 17th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

The Snarky 6 is back baby! Michele Bachmann (I love her) is not big fan of the Census. From CBS News:

Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann told the Washington Times that she and her family will not be fully filling out the 2010 census forms.

Bachmann, a Republican, said her family will only be indicating the number of people in the household, because “the Constitution doesn’t require any information beyond that.”

Bachmann believes the upcoming census to be “very intricate” and “very personal” and expresses concerns about ACORN’s involvement in the data collection. The community organizing program came under scrutiny after charges of voter registration fraud during the 2008 presidential elections.

I wanted to know what all the fuss is about, so The Snark Factor staff did some research. You be the judge if any of this is the government’s business. The following are the six most intrusive questions on the Census Bureau’s survey.

1. How many Jonas Brother’s CDs do you own?

2. Do you brake for bingo?

3. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

4. Do you like movies with gladiators? (RIP Peter Graves)

5. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

6. Who let the dogs out?

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Snarky 6- Six Ways Pelosi Can Get ObamaCare Passed

Posted on March 11th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

It’s now clear that the Democrats need my help. I could have had this bill passed last year. So even though I am not a socialist, here is my advice to Speaker Pelosi that if listened to, will sway enough Democrats to vote yes for this giant crap sandwich to get it passed.

Madam Speaker, listen to me and your health care dreams will come true.

* Note, keep in mind these ideas will only work because House members never read legislation that comes up for a vote.

6 possible ways to get ObamaCare passed.

1. Tell House Democrats that they are really voting on a bill to send Rush Limbaugh to Guantanamo Bay.

2. Rename the health care bill; “The Give Representatives Pay Raises and Hookers Act of 2010.”

3. Make them believe that a yes vote will include a “Massa massage” from Rep. Eric Massa.

4. A yes voter receives a party invitation with an open bar on a flight chartered by the Speaker of the House (thanks to the U.S. military.)

5. If you vote no, Chuck Norris will not be happy.

6. A yes voter will also receive an autographed Hillary Clinton pants suit.

Speaker Pelosi, you can thank me later…

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Snarky 6- Six Other Ways Rep. Eric Massa Groped Men in a “Non Gay Way”

Posted on March 10th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

This is from The Detroit Free Press. Of the Massa/Beck interview;

Massa, who resigned hours earlier as a Democratic Congressman from New York amid allegations of sexual harassment, admitted on the conservative talking head’s program that he had groped a male staffer.

“Now they’re saying I groped a male staffer,” Massa said. “Yeah, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday, and it was kill the old guy.”

Everyone here at The Snark Factor feels a little gay after hearing his explanation. Truth be told, I don’t care if he’s gay, if you’re gay or if Ringo Starr is gay. But it is obvious that Massa cares what you think.

So the Snark Factor has come up with six other cover stories that Massa can use to cover up his male groping. Not that he needs any, I’m sure that everyone believed the explanation he came up with for Beck.

1. Yeah I groped them, but we were playing Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board.

2. Sure I touched em, but it was my birthday and we were playing Truth or Dare. I said “dare.” 😉

3. Yes I goosed him, but we were taking a tour of the Neverland Ranch and I got carried away.

4. Yes we may have had inappropriate contact, but we were recreating our favorite scenes from the Broadway hit “Grease.”

5. Sure I was playing grab ass, but in my defense I am a “Grab Ass Addict” (The Tiger Woods Defense.)

6. I’m Gay (or at least a little gay.)

I say use #6 Congressman, it’s okay to tell the truth…

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Snarky Six- 6 Things Charlie Rangel Will Do During His Leave Of Absence

Posted on March 3rd, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

From  Yeah, that’s right.

New York Rep. Charles Rangel temporarily stepped aside as chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee Wednesday as he struggled with mounting ethics woes that left his political future uncertain at best.

Naturally, the Snark Factor has come up with 6 things Charlie can do now that he has a little more free time on his hands.

1. Get a part-time job at H&R Block.

2. Get his own show on RFC Radio (Yes we would take him.)

3. Do a beach photo shoot for AARP Magazine.

4. Co-star with the “Pants on the Ground” guy in the new movie “Beach Blanket Bingo 2010!”

5. Get a job with MSNBC (I’m kidding, Charlie’s a moderate compared to them.)

6. Replace Jay Leno on The Tonight Show. He’s funnier…

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