Castro Resigns Party Post to Run for President of the United States–Primary Challenge Obama from his Right

Posted on April 19th, 2011 by Fingers Malloy

This originally appeared at NewsReal Blog.

Breaking news out of Cuba on Tuesday as former Cuban President Fidel Castro resigned from his post as first secretary in the Central Committee of the Communist Party. The move was made after a series of reforms had been passed by the Communist Party Congress that introduced minor free market reforms to the island nation’s economy. Among the reforms passed were term limits for “elected” officials and state job cuts.

From Google News:

Fidel Castro confirmed his exit from the Communist Party leadership on Tuesday, ceding power to his brother Raul as delegates prepare to vote on changes that could bring term limits to key posts.

The move came after the sixth Communist Party Congress approved a flurry of measures on Monday aimed at keeping Cuba’s centrally planned economy from collapse but without any broad embrace of market-oriented change.

…Reforms include the eventual trimming of a million state jobs and the decentralization of the agricultural sector.

In a move that has shocked party loyalists inside Cuba, rumors run rampant that Castro has sent people to Iowa to test the waters for a Fidel in 2012 presidential run. I talked to a senior Castro adviser, James Carville, who expressed hope that Castro could challenge President Obama in next year’s election.

Obama is weak and has moved too far to the left. He is destroying the Democratic Party that was once led by the great Jimmy Carter. He’s hiring too many people and expanding government too much. We believe we can, at the very least, pull Mr. Obama to the right a little bit.

Let’s talk about term limits in this campaign. Let’s talk about cutting state workers off the payrolls. How about eliminating farm subsidies? I mean, I love socialism as much as the next guy but even I see that the Obama administration has gone too far.

I could not reach anyone at the White House for comment. I did run into film director Michael Moore outside a Denny’s in Flint, Michigan. He was stunned that Castro would challenge Obama. Commenting on Castro’s 2012 chances, Moore said:

This is silly. How can he say the United States needs to cut government jobs? That’s easy for him to say. Cuba has a fantastic infrastructure. Their schools are top notch. They have the best health care in the world. For crying out loud they are Cuba! They set the standard for all of us.

The United States needs to continue President Obama’s policies. We need more federal workers. We need more shovel ready jobs. It should be a fundamental right of every American to have access to Cuban style health care. Just when we are getting close to becoming a paradise like Cuba, Castro wants to ruin it. I guess this is his revenge for the Bay of Pigs. Got any Tums?

Wait…he wasn’t born in this country was he?

When I brought up Castro’s citizenship, Carville laughed and stated for the record:

What is Michael Moore a birther? Fidel was born in San Francisco. He has a long form birth certificate. Our comrade Governor Jerry Brown will vouge for us.

NewsReal will continue to follow this story as developments…develop.

Fingers hosts The Snark Factor Radio Program on FTR Radio. His website can be found at Follow Fingers on Twitter here.

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Pelosi’s Budget Cutting Compromise: Planned Parenthood–PBS Merger?

Posted on April 14th, 2011 by Fingers Malloy
Not So Tickle Me Elmo

This post originally appeared at NewsReal Blog.

Secret documents uncovered by have unveiled a plot concocted by Representative Nancy Pelosi to, under the guise of a budget cutting measure, merge Planned Parenthood with the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS).

The purpose of this maneuver would not only be to secure funding for both entities–but also to begin providing sex education for children as young as two.

When I contacted Rep. Pelosi’s office, her spokesperson, Iva Madetisup, did not deny the existence of a PP-PBS merger plan.

Both of these programs are not only important to women, but also critical for the survival of the United States. Neither family planning or sex education for toddlers can be left up to individuals. Government involvement is essential.

It’s a match made in heaven. Let’s take ‘Sesame Street’ for example. Instead of The Count counting bats, he can count condoms. Elmo can give breast exams. Oscar the Grouch can pass out morning after pills. This is a mach made in heaven…I mean if heaven were real. Yes I’m sane.

Count Condom

During a speech for Public Broadcasting employees at PBS headquarters last week, Vice President Joe Biden talked about the possible merger, and what it meant for PBS.

PBS is Americana. So is Planned Parenthood. This merger will insure that women’s reproductive rights are protected. It will also insure that young children will not only learn their 1-2-3’s and ABC’s–but also the birds and the bees.

I can only tell you that PBS would not be what it is today without Fred Rogers. And ‘Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood’ will be an essential part of this merger. I’m told Fred is here today. Fred stand up and let ’em see ya.

He’s dead? Oh God love him. What am I talking about? Well I tell you what, Fred is making everyone else stand up. Stand up for Fred. This is a big f***ing deal!

Oscar the Grouchy Pharmacist

There has been talk that Mr. Hooper’s store will be converted into an organic foods store/abortion clinic. NewsReal will continue to cover this story as developments…develop.*

*Warning, documents obtained by may be fake, as well as everything else in this story.

Fingers hosts The Snark Factor Radio Program on FTR Radio. His website can be found at Follow Fingers on Twitter here.

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Libyan Shocker:Rebels Funded by Koch Brothers, Obama Suspends Bombing Campaign

Posted on March 30th, 2011 by Fingers Malloy

This post originally appeared at NewsReal Blog.

The White House today announced the suspension of all military operations in Libya effective immediately after it was discovered that the rebels fighting to oust Libyan leader Colonel Muammar Gaddafi are being fully funded by the conservative Koch Brothers. Over the years the billionaire Koch brothers have donated millions of dollars to right wing think tanks, and now they want to expand their reach to the Middle East.

From the beginning of the Libyan uprising, there have been questions as to who the rebels are–and who is supporting them. Many had speculated that the Muslim Brotherhood, Hezbollah or even Al Qaeda were backing the Libyan rebel forces.

But an internal rebel document uncovered by Media Matters contains detailed rebel plans for the eventual overthrow of the Gaddafi regime. After the regime change, they will form a new political party named:

Prosperity for

All the


Nation…or PALIN.

Once the State Department caught wind of the Koch brothers/PALIN connection, officials immediately made a 3:00 AM phone call to the White House. Nobody answered the phone.

Fortunately, the State Department was aware of an 8:00 AM tee time that President Obama had scheduled today at the Washington Golf and Country Club–where he was then briefed on the whole situation at the fifth tee by Vice President Biden, Joy Behar and Danny Bonaduce.

The White House later released a statement explaining why it was decided to end all military operations in Libya.

While we can all agree that Muammar Gaddafi has been a brutal dictator that has thrived on the murder and the suffering of his own people, he’s not as bad as the Koch brothers. We have uncovered plans by the Koch/PALIN alliance to bring the flat tax to Libya. They are also plotting to eliminate collective bargaining rights in Tripoli.

Let me be clear, we can not allow the gains that the Libyan people have made to be wiped out by risky free market schemes. So we will withdraw all of our forces and immediately turn over all military command and control decisions over to the French. That should end well.

After the news broke of the Koch Brothers’ influence in Libya, an exasperated Chris Matthews went on MSNBC and had this to say:

Is this what it has come down to? Look Gadhafi is no saint. He has murdered and tortured his own people. And yes there are many political prisoners in Libya–but at least he wants to provide his people health care. You think a Koch or PALIN cares about health care? Clearly we can now see that the Libyan uprising is not about freedom–and all about oil. Have we checked to see if Halliburton is in on this too?

NewsReal will continue to cover this story as developments…develop.

Fingers hosts The Snark Factor Radio Program on FTR Radio. His website can be found at Follow Fingers on Twitter here.

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Dennis Kucinich Announces Bid to Run for President…of Egypt

Posted on February 16th, 2011 by Fingers Malloy

Kucinich to strangle the Sphinx

In an announcement that shocked political pundits from Cleveland to Cairo, Rep. Dennis Kucinich threw his hat into the ring in a bid to become the new President of Egypt.

At a press conference underneath a rainbow near a pot of gold–Kucinich made the case for his campaign:

Look, I want to be the president of something. I ran for President of the United States, of the Dustin Diamond fan club and of our fantasy football league. I lost every race.

But this time I have an ace in the hole. Howard Dean agreed to be my running mate. Once we win this election and I am the Egyptian President, people will look to Egypt as the Cleveland of the Middle East.

During an emotional pitch at a press conference inside a Stuckey’s restaurant in Dayton Ohio, Howard Dean pulled no punches:

Dennis and I are not only going to Suez, Tom Harkin. We’re going to Taba and Luxor and Aswan and Girga. Then we are going to Helwan and Port Said and up the Nile to Cairo, to take back the Abdeen Palace…Yeah!!!

Kucinich went on to say that he is going to run on his pet issue–bringing the Fairness Doctrine to Egypt (note to Rachel Maddow, this is satire).

Right-wing talk radio dominates the airwaves in Cairo. It is filled with bile and it is the reason that there are riots in the streets. It must be balanced.

In an attempt to show my fellow Egyptians what successful leftest radio sounds like, I have already inked Alan Colmes to a 3 year contract with Cairo’s number one talk radio station, ABBA.

The number one radio talk show host in Cairo–El Rushie Limbaughli Bech, is skeptical of what a President Dennis Kucinich could bring to Egypt (attention Rachel Maddow, this is satire).

Kucinich is a pinko leftist. We do not want socialism here in Egypt. We want a government that hearkens back to the principles of our Phounding Pharaohs.

We will report more on this important story as developments…develop (attention Rachel Maddow, this is satire).

This was cross posted on NewsReal Blog.

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