Subsidized Snuggies for Everyone! [podcast]

Posted on November 30th, 2016 by Tracy Connors

 

This week on the big show, Fingers and Tracy recap their Thanksgivings, talk about Jill Stein’s ridiculous recount efforts, Kayne and the Kardashian curse, subsidized Snuggies, Carrier keeping their plant open after all, and how Trump’s tweets are still driving the news cycle. Ashe Schow returns to tell us all about her new gig covering campus craziness for Watchdog.org

In case you didn’t know…

A new episode will drop next week. All episodes will be posted to SoundCloud. You can also subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher and TuneIn, or follow us on facebook. Check the feed often, you never know when we’re going to drop an Enough Already Bite.

follow Fingers on twitter @FingersMalloy
follow Tracy on twitter @TracyLConnors

follow Ashe on twitter @AsheSchow

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Pelosi’s Budget Cutting Compromise: Planned Parenthood–PBS Merger?

Posted on April 14th, 2011 by Fingers Malloy
Not So Tickle Me Elmo

This post originally appeared at NewsReal Blog.

Secret documents uncovered by Fingersmalloy.com have unveiled a plot concocted by Representative Nancy Pelosi to, under the guise of a budget cutting measure, merge Planned Parenthood with the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS).

The purpose of this maneuver would not only be to secure funding for both entities–but also to begin providing sex education for children as young as two.

When I contacted Rep. Pelosi’s office, her spokesperson, Iva Madetisup, did not deny the existence of a PP-PBS merger plan.

Both of these programs are not only important to women, but also critical for the survival of the United States. Neither family planning or sex education for toddlers can be left up to individuals. Government involvement is essential.

It’s a match made in heaven. Let’s take ‘Sesame Street’ for example. Instead of The Count counting bats, he can count condoms. Elmo can give breast exams. Oscar the Grouch can pass out morning after pills. This is a mach made in heaven…I mean if heaven were real. Yes I’m sane.

Count Condom

During a speech for Public Broadcasting employees at PBS headquarters last week, Vice President Joe Biden talked about the possible merger, and what it meant for PBS.

PBS is Americana. So is Planned Parenthood. This merger will insure that women’s reproductive rights are protected. It will also insure that young children will not only learn their 1-2-3’s and ABC’s–but also the birds and the bees.

I can only tell you that PBS would not be what it is today without Fred Rogers. And ‘Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood’ will be an essential part of this merger. I’m told Fred is here today. Fred stand up and let ’em see ya.

He’s dead? Oh God love him. What am I talking about? Well I tell you what, Fred is making everyone else stand up. Stand up for Fred. This is a big f***ing deal!

Oscar the Grouchy Pharmacist

There has been talk that Mr. Hooper’s store will be converted into an organic foods store/abortion clinic. NewsReal will continue to cover this story as developments…develop.*

*Warning, documents obtained by Fingersmalloy.com may be fake, as well as everything else in this story.

Fingers hosts The Snark Factor Radio Program on FTR Radio. His website can be found at FingersMalloy.com. Follow Fingers on Twitter here.

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The Snark Factor And WikiLeaks–Day Two

Posted on December 1st, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

I have continued to pour over all 250,000 cables released by WikiLeaks.

For those of you that missed it, here is part of my post from yesterday revealing some shocking secrets obtained on the WikiLeaks website.

The Snark Factor has gone over all 250,000 cables for you, our faithful readers. I personally have read 140,000 cables. During that time, I consumed 3 Five Hour Energy shots, 7 pots of coffee and enough crystal meth to kill four mules.

But it was worth it. I have uncovered new information from WikiLinks about secrets that the United States government has tried to hide for decades. Prepare to be shocked.

  1. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter was invented by the CIA as a mind control chemical agent to make Americans like Ryan Seacrest.
  2. Meghan McCain is a FemBot built by the National Organization for Women to make real blondes “look smarter” when compaired to the dim-witted McCain.
  3. President Barack Obama was briefly the lead singer of the left-wing, post-punk British rock group Scritti Politti.

24 hour later, I can now announce new WikiLeaks discoveries found exclusively by The Snark Factor. Hide the women and children!

  1. James Carville is the spawn of Henry Waxman and Susan Boyle.
  2. Barack Obama’s spiritual leader, Reverend Jeremiah Wright of the Trinity United Church of Christ  is Jewish.
  3. Soylent Green is made from people.
  4. Bill Maher is a comedian.
  5. In 1968, Sonny Bono killed 3 KGB agents with nothing but a spatula and three knock-knock jokes.
  6. Dick Cheney is not made of human flesh and bone, but of a substance called Keblar invented by Dow Chemical.
  7. Fidel Castro wrote seven episodes of Little House on the Prairie.
  8. Nancy Pelosi once played Seven Minutes in Heaven with Ted Kennedy.
  9. Nancy Pelosi once vomited after playing Seven Minutes in Heaven with Ted Kennedy.
  10. John McCain spent three days as the tenth member of the New York City hip hop group Wu-Tang Clan.

The Snark Factor will continue to update you on WikiLeaks leaks until I get bored.

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25 Things Random Things About Me, Nancy Pelosi.

Posted on September 26th, 2009 by Fingers Malloy

(This is an old post from back in February. It’s the weekend, so I thought I would bring her back. Enjoy.)

Fingersmalloy.com  is a hard hitting, fact finding, truth spilling machine. It is not some kind of gossip rag like Us Weekly or the New York Times. For example, we passed on the New York Times story that reported Governor Palin’s son Trigg is actually a robot created by Exxon Mobil.

However, sometimes we like to take a day to get away from politics as usual. As many of you who have a Facebook or MySpace account know, 25 Random Things About Me is sweeping the world. Actually it can get to be pretty annoying. Every day, millions of people are tagged to look at meaningless facts about their friends and neighbors.

Today we were given a 25 Random Things About Me authored by the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. The person who gave us this letter wanted to remain anonymous. From now on, he or she will be referred to as Deep Throat 2, the Wrath of Kahn. We will post it below, and hope that you learn something about our Madam Speaker.

25 Random Things About Me – Nancy Pelosi

1. I am Speaker of the House.
2. I once asked George W. Bush “boxers or briefs?”
3. I count Harry Reids when I can’t sleep at night.
4. I think abortion should be legal up to the 53rd trimester.
5. I shot a man in the Reno, just to watch him die.
6. I get 500 million and 500 thousand mixed up.
7. I spend 500 million like it’s 500 thousand.
8. I love Aquanet! (Editor’s note, this was reported earlier in a 1 Hour Martinizing exclusive.)
9. My favorite band is Dexy’s Midnight Runner.
10. I’m watching you.
11. Yes you.
12. For years I thought Majority Whip was a dessert topping.
13. Barack Obama is my new BFF and he is like, TOTALLY a cutie.
14. I put orange marmalade on everything.
15. I brake for bingo.
16. I once played 7 minutes in heaven with Ted Kennedy.
17. I once vomited after 7 minutes in heaven with Ted Kennedy.
18. OMG! Bill Clinton just walked into my office and offered to show me his stimulus package.
19. I live in San Francisco; there is nothing funny about that.
20. I own a time share in Florida with Rush Limbaugh (shh, don’t tell anyone.)
21. I own a Hummer H3, but to make up for it I hug a tree daily.
22. For six years I had a secret crush on Dick Cheney.
23. I have 1 tattoo. It is a tramp stamp of Tip O’Neill’s face.
24. I call my husband Stedman just to piss him off.
25. I get all of my news from Fingersmalloy.com

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