Starbucks Joins the War on Whiskey

Posted on March 9th, 2017 by Fingers Malloy

Americans are ruining whiskey. Flavored “whiskeys” like Fireball, Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey and Jim Beam Apple are favorites among people who like their whiskey to taste like schnapps.

So now that whiskey ruining is becoming increasingly popular in the U.S.,  Starbucks is trying to cash in (in a big way) on the flavored-whiskey craze — not with coffee flavored whiskey, but with whiskey flavored coffee.

From CNBC:

Starbucks’ newest limited edition brew doesn’t taste like hugs or Christmas — it tastes like whiskey.

The coffee chain debuted two new whiskey-barrel-aged flavored beverages this week: A “Barrel-Aged Cold Brew” and a “Barrel-Aged Con Crema.” The cold brew is served in a sidecar glass with an oversized cube of ice, just like a cocktail might. The crema comes in a little glass mug with a handle. Both are only sold at the Starbucks Roastery store in Seattle, Washington.

Call me old fashioned, but I believe the only time your coffee should taste like whiskey is if, you know, it actually contains whiskey! Here are a couple of rules to live by when it comes to whiskey:

  1. There is only one acceptable flavor for whiskey… and it’s whiskey flavored whiskey.
  2. Beverages that are whiskey flavored should only be flavored with… wait for it… whiskey.

And I don’t want to hear that people like to have something whiskey flavored without the alcohol. You know who spouts similar ridiculousness? O’Doul’s drinkers who claim they like it because they get to have something that tastes like beer without the alcohol. Friends don’t let friends sound like an O’Doul’s drinker. (Or drink it.)

This Starbucks whiskey flavored coffee costs $10 for an 8 ounce serving. Pro tip, go buy a $2 coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts and bring your flask. It will taste better.

To summarize — apparently ruining whiskey isn’t enough, now we have to ruin coffee too. Good on you, Starbucks. I knew you could figure out a way to charge $10 for a cup of coffee.

You’re history’s greatest monster.

 

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Snark Factor Morning Update 12-28

Posted on December 28th, 2009 by Fingers Malloy

Senator Max Baucus debates Jim Beam on the Senate floor. Listen to the Snark Factor Morning Update by clicking on the player below. I also provided the video, because I am fair and balanced. Enjoy…

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