Starbucks Joins the War on Whiskey

Posted on March 9th, 2017 by Fingers Malloy

Americans are ruining whiskey. Flavored “whiskeys” like Fireball, Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey and Jim Beam Apple are favorites among people who like their whiskey to taste like schnapps.

So now that whiskey ruining is becoming increasingly popular in the U.S.,  Starbucks is trying to cash in (in a big way) on the flavored-whiskey craze — not with coffee flavored whiskey, but with whiskey flavored coffee.

From CNBC:

Starbucks’ newest limited edition brew doesn’t taste like hugs or Christmas — it tastes like whiskey.

The coffee chain debuted two new whiskey-barrel-aged flavored beverages this week: A “Barrel-Aged Cold Brew” and a “Barrel-Aged Con Crema.” The cold brew is served in a sidecar glass with an oversized cube of ice, just like a cocktail might. The crema comes in a little glass mug with a handle. Both are only sold at the Starbucks Roastery store in Seattle, Washington.

Call me old fashioned, but I believe the only time your coffee should taste like whiskey is if, you know, it actually contains whiskey! Here are a couple of rules to live by when it comes to whiskey:

  1. There is only one acceptable flavor for whiskey… and it’s whiskey flavored whiskey.
  2. Beverages that are whiskey flavored should only be flavored with… wait for it… whiskey.

And I don’t want to hear that people like to have something whiskey flavored without the alcohol. You know who spouts similar ridiculousness? O’Doul’s drinkers who claim they like it because they get to have something that tastes like beer without the alcohol. Friends don’t let friends sound like an O’Doul’s drinker. (Or drink it.)

This Starbucks whiskey flavored coffee costs $10 for an 8 ounce serving. Pro tip, go buy a $2 coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts and bring your flask. It will taste better.

To summarize — apparently ruining whiskey isn’t enough, now we have to ruin coffee too. Good on you, Starbucks. I knew you could figure out a way to charge $10 for a cup of coffee.

You’re history’s greatest monster.


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Snarky 6- Six Explanations For Fireball In The Midwestern Sky Last Night

Posted on April 15th, 2010 by Fingers Malloy

A massive fireball was spotted across several states in the Midwest Wednesday night.

From CNN:

(CNN) — Authorities in several Midwestern states were flooded Wednesday night with reports of a gigantic fireball lighting up the sky, the National Weather Service said.

The fireball was visible for about 15 minutes beginning about 10 p.m., said the National Weather Service in Sullivan, Wisconsin, just west of Milwaukee.

“The fireball was seen over the northern sky, moving from west to east,” said the NWS in the Quad Cities area, which includes parts of Iowa and Illinois.

“Well before it reached the horizon, it broke up into smaller pieces and was lost from sight,” the service said. “Several reports of a prolonged sonic boom were received from areas north of Highway 20, along with shaking of homes, trees and various other objects including wind chimes,” it said.


There are several possible explanations for this fireball: I have come up with six.

1) The fire was the end result of an Oprah chili burp.

2) It was Paula Abdul’s career, never to be seen again.

3) The fireball was brought on by the awesomeness of KFC’s new Double Down sandwich.

4) The light in the sky was actually just Billy Mays trying to communicate with us.

5) Rahm Emanuel’s swear jar exploded.

6) Nancy Pelosi’s Aqua Net soaked hair got too close to President Obama’s cigarette…

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